Today, we have the pleasure of visiting with Sonny Lemmons, MUW Class of 1994. After majoring in music education and spending his spare time working at WMUW, singing in the Chorale; hanging out at Wesley Foundation; and engaging in general shenanigans in Poindexter and Cromwell, Sonny spent fifteen years working in higher education administration--everything from admissions to residence life to academic advising. Then, one day, it happened (okay, he had nine months' notice): Malakai Joseph was born.
Says Sonny, "I had hardly ever thought about HAVING a kid before, let alone staying at home all day with one. And to be honest, although I knew the idea of a stay-at-home DAD existed in the world of television sitcoms, I never knew it was something that people did in the REAL world. It’s not as if I had a role model or anyone I could have asked about their experiences in doing this." However, since the W had made him open to the unconventional, and since "I’d already lost my hair," Sonny decided to be a stay-at-home dad. As he explains, "There were a number of outside factors that helped influence this decision: my job dissatisfaction; me thinking about switching careers altogether; losing my dad to cancer not too long before Kai was born; and the fact that my wife and I both had jobs that required a LOT of after-hours and weekend work. We sat down and did a time study and realized that the amount of quality time (not counting feeding, bathing, etc.) we might spend with him in a given week could be measured in single hours, and that was completely unacceptable. We didn’t want to pay some stranger to raise our kid, which is what would have happened for us because of the extensive hours he’d be in daycare. We made the decision that we felt was best for us and we felt was the best for him."
Regarding why he, rather than his wife, stayed home, Sonny answers, "Ashley serves as the Residence Coordinator for Pearson Residential College at the University of Miami. Part of her compensation package includes an apartment on campus. If she quit her job, we’d have to find someplace else to live, whereas if I quit mine, all we’d lose was my income. Given the cost of daycare and babysitters, we figured out quickly that my income would have gone almost exclusively to the care and upkeep of our kid – so it’s not as if we killed a cash cow when I left my job."
Regarding why he, rather than his wife, stayed home, Sonny answers, "Ashley serves as the Residence Coordinator for Pearson Residential College at the University of Miami. Part of her compensation package includes an apartment on campus. If she quit her job, we’d have to find someplace else to live, whereas if I quit mine, all we’d lose was my income. Given the cost of daycare and babysitters, we figured out quickly that my income would have gone almost exclusively to the care and upkeep of our kid – so it’s not as if we killed a cash cow when I left my job."
No job is without its challenges, and this one is no different, explains Sonny: "The greatest challenges (plural) include: (1) finding any window of 'me' time to be able to decompress so that I don’t go insane; (2) finding time for Ashley and me together so that we remember what it’s like to be a couple; (3) finding another adult or support system of stay-at-home parents for me to socialize with; (4) the sexist attitudes I encounter from women who either think (a) it’s 'cute' that I am a stay-at-home dad and have asked me if I know what I’m doing, or (b) that it’s completely and utterly bizarre that I would choose to stay at home with my son or I must not be masculine enough because I am okay with not being the breadwinner/head of the household (and yes, I have been told both of these sentences to my face on more than one occasion); and (5) the loss of the respect and, in some instances, loss of friendship of some of my professional colleagues who believe I have thrown my career away by choosing to be a stay-at-home parent."
From Sonny's perspective, the greatest benefits of being a stay-at-home dad include "being able to be there with Kai and to watch him as he grows and develops; to watch him as the light of understanding begins to dawn in his eyes; to hear him giggle when he watches our dog or plays with a random spoon or box; to be able to sing him to sleep; to be the target of his food-throwing; and to be able to take him outside so that he doesn’t think the world is lit by fluorescent lighting." Says Sonny, "Those moments are irreplaceable. Another huge benefit is to know that Kai’s actually getting to spend a lot of time with a male role model. Unfortunately, a disproportionate number of daycare or nursery workers are still female. By staying home with me, he’s going to see daddy doing the laundry, doing the dishes, and cleaning the house as well as working on a car, playing with electronic doodads and watching a lot of Doctor Who. Hopefully, he’ll have a fairly well-balanced idea that there are no specific gender roles that should be relegated exclusively to either sex."
While Sonny's future plans aren't clear, he plans to stay with Kai for at least another year, and maybe longer. However, he says, "I will probably never go far from a collegiate setting, because that’s where I’ve been personally and professionally rooted for the better part of a decade and a half. Now, in what capacity will I be employed? That’s the better question. I’ve also entertained the idea of just finding a part-time/half-time job so that I can continue to raise Kai while actually raising some revenue as well." He still stays in touch with a number of campus student organizations at the University of Miami that he advised and he continues to work off and on with them.
When asked how his MUW education helped in his chosen life, Sonny responds, "If my time at MUW taught me anything, it was that I was to be true to myself. My education at the W, both in and out of the classroom, didn’t shape me as much as it galvanized the core of who I am. I wouldn’t trade the laughs, the tears, the late nights, the sometimes-poor choices, or the friends I made for anything in the world. Every choice, every 'misstep' put me on the path of who I am today, and I am eternally grateful for that little school nestled in Columbus. These are life lessons I have tried to impart on all the students I have worked with, and it’s something I hope to pass on to my son."
Part of Sonny's job when he worked on college campuses was to counsel students, and when asked what advice he would give to current MUW students who think they'd like to stay home with their kids, he replies, "Don’t forget to experience the world. It’s dangerously easy to get your life wrapped up completely (kinda like a diaper) in the care of your kid. And trust yourself: if you think this is the right choice, then it IS the right choice. That first hug in the morning from the kid who just woke up and is now in your arms quiets out the white noise of the nay-sayers and critics who might not understand your choice."
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